So it’s been almost a month since NYE, how are those resolutions going?

1. “I’m going to drink less coffee.”

What actually happens: Migraines. Hangovers. Not sleeping in general because you’re too busy THINKING at 1 in the morning…or streaming a show that you can see the next day at a normal hour but refuse to wait another 24 hours because you have to know if she’s actually pregnant. It changes everything, DON’T DENY IT.

2. “I’m going to spend less time stalking people on Facebook.”

What actually happens: as soon as you open your browser, you type “f”  into the address bar without even thinking. “It’s just to see what’s going on, it’s not like I’m going to investigate anyth– who the heck is that?” *2 hours later* “Oh, it’s just her half-brother from the previous marriage that got annulled in Cambodia.” You didn’t even know the date of her birthday in the morning.

3. “I’m going to exercise more, maybe even start yoga.”

What actually happens: you go to sleep.

4. “I’m going to say ‘yes’ more, you know be spontaneous and shit.”

What actually happens: you say ‘yes’ to the wrong things, go broke, invest in stupid dead-ends, eat too much garlic bread, gain weight, do a crash diet before summertime, cry, stick your head out the window of a moving car, hit a tree with your face, and laugh at funerals because you keep remembering this scene and you don’t know why.

5. “I’m going to stop wearing sweatpants to work.”

What actually happens: you wake up on Thursday, the thought that it’s still not Friday dawns on you, and you don’t want to leave your bed because your covers are hugging you back like they’re a Nicolas Sparks character. Wear jeans and spend the next 30 minutes bothering to look like you didn’t crawl out from under a rock? Nah, bring on the Adidas swish-when-you-walk-I’m-going-skydiving-but-I’m-so-not pants.

6. “I’m going to move out of my parents’ house.”

What actually happens: paying rent happens. No thanks, I’m good.

7. “I’m going to travel at least twice this year.”

What actually happens: you might travel once and allow that family roadtrip you took to count as a second time because you were in this village that looked like you landed on Mars because the rock formations were weird as f**k and you know you weren’t tripping on substances with your parents even though your dad started talking Spanish to a UNIFIL dude and you were convinced he did the chihuahua VO for Taco Bell commercials.

8. “I’m going to save more and spend less.”

What actually happens: You eat a lot of French steak with that creamy green sauce and you’re like, “I’m young and I want to enjoy my hard-earned cash, damn it.” You spend the last two and a half weeks of the month making chicken broth soup and visiting your Teta for quality time…and djeij bil forn.

The only resolution you really need to implement: Be Happy.