My Restraining Order to Enrique Iglesias

Dear Enrique,

First let me say that I am incredibly flattered by the level of your passion for me. I do think that feelings of this intensity are a beautiful thing when they are well-placed. Yours are so powerful…like I can run, I can die but I can’t escape your love. That would be endearing if it didn’t sound like you were actually willing to test the theory.

Second, honest to God, I wish that there was a part of me that felt the way you do because I have always wanted an all-consuming love affair with a man who isn’t afraid to wear a beanie. The problem though is that I want that longing to be reciprocal and you’ve begun to scare me with your fierce adoration.

I know you’re going to throw this back in my face and say that I’m in a rush to throw you away but it’s not like that. Don’t be offended that I’m taking legal action, we can be friends. From a distance. If you asked me to dance, I would dance. If you asked me to run, I would definitely run and never look back. I wouldn’t cry if I saw you crying though because you love to see me cry. I cry because the fact that you love to see me cry freaks me out so I cry some more and you just keep on loving and it’s this vicious cycle, you know? Don’t be sad either – think of it as just another Monday night.

Please don’t feel like I’m a mentiroso. I’ve told you all about this before and I know you’re tired of being sorry so this is the perfect arrangement for the both of us. You’re not in love habibi, it’s just a phase that you’re going through. I know you will survive.

Everything’s going to be alright,


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