I have been under self-inflicted hibernation for the past 2 weeks in order to complete a project but I’m back. Due to the fact that I was cut off from the world, this new post comes from the only outlet I had during hibernation: Facebook. If you are my friend on Facebook and you do these things…I apologize and you can feel free to do whatever you want – it’s your life – but now you know, you’re kind of annoying. Here’s the latest installment of 8 Pet Peeves:

1. Checking in to Your Home

You check-in to your “residence” after a night on the town. You’ve even named it something catchy like “Moe’s Crib.” You should know something: no one cares that you’ve made it home to your flat in Brussels or your house in Antelias. Unless your name is Harry and you’re checking in to Caesars’ Palace, no one cares that you’re having tea with your grandma. Checking in, regardless of the fact that it’s a stalker’s wet dream realized, should be reserved for places that are actually worth broadcasting; places that anyone would love to brag about. These places that wouldn’t make you seem like a pompous ass by announcing you’re there. Your house is not one of these places. Places that could qualify: the Playboy Mansion, Pride Rock, or the moon.

2. “<3 Likers”

Your latest uploaded photo has 42 likes and counting. You want to show gratitude to all the people who clicked “like”. Here’s the problem: people who like your photo or status update do not get notified when you comment unless you tag them – which you didn’t so this form of thanks is pointless. People “like” something because it’s the easiest way to show approval – the one that takes the least effort and results in the least amount of annoyance because you don’t get notified when an overattentive relative spews mushy love all over said photo. Stop writing this comment; everyone knows you have a bunch of likes. So Mom, just be grateful, like some crap they do in the future, and move on.

3. Mysterious, Enigmatic Statuses

“When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” You write a line from a dark poem, an emo song lyric, or just some thought that’s clawing at the insides of your eyelids. It’s vague and people are reading it like “wow, someone had a bad batch of mushrooms last night” or they’re going to ask you why you’re behaving like a Disney-popstar-in-transition. You’re not an angel in Purgatory pining over Meg Ryan and yes, it’s spelled “wow” not “waw.”

Try to hold back on things that are personal and/or private. Facebook is not a place where you should share something you’re grieving about in mysterious vague status updates that only result in people asking nosy questions on a topic that is sensitive and raw. You’re not fooling anyone with that line from a Backstreet Boys song. You will look back on this and think, “WHY did I do that?”. And there’s Timeline now, that stuff can come back. Refrain from the cryptic messages that beg for others to inquire what on earth you’re talking about. If you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t post about it.

4. Relationship Status Dance

You’re single. You’re in a relationship. You’re single. One hour has passed by the way. Relationships are hard enough these days – do you really have to let all your friends know that there’s trouble in paradise? Especially if you’re going to get over it in 3 days and go back to posting a full album about how you spent your Valentine’s Day together? Break-ups are shitfests. Don’t make it harder on the other person even if she/he took a knife to your heart, have some grace and just remove the status. And if you and your partner do the Rachel-Ross thing every few months, spare your friends the drama of your on-off dalliance. This update on profiles is another one of those “please ask me about what happened” moments – again, if you don’t want to be asked, then don’t post about it.

5. Writing Paragraph-Comments

You argue about legislation, morals, veganism, or anything under the sun. Look, it’s a comment, not your thesis. It’s Facebook, not the draft of the Constitution. You have opinions and we’re all proud of you for being a strong, smart, non-sheep that can formulate sentences and use logic & common sense that not all members of society have been blessed with. True, comment-debates can get entertaining for spectators but, ultimately, it’s Facebook and your intellectually stimulating discussion that is loaded with well-crafted words and valid points is going to be lost in the sea of 9gag links and YouTube videos of “that underground band that I discovered MONTHS ago.” Save your energy for real-life conversations where you won’t have a random guy interject with failed look-at-me-I’m-so-clever remarks written with spelling mistakes and poor use of language. You don’t even go here.

6. Overdoing it with the Self-Portraits

You upload photos of you, obviously self-taken with a timer or the front camera of your iPhone. That’s fine, maybe you were having an amazing hair day. But if you have a full album of photos that are just your face or you posing in different positions, you have either been removed from my newsfeed or unfriended. Nothing is wrong with uploading a flattering picture of yourself besides your profile picture – especially if it’s hilariously stupid. But if that’s all you do, every few days, and you’re not a Victoria’s Secret Angel (because even girls will check that out), your actions will be interpreted as such by the masses: “I’m posting all these photos of me so you can like/comment to tell me how pretty I am.”

7. Changing Profile Pic Every 6 Hours

Getting bored of your profile picture is normal. You want to shake things up, show off a new haircut, or you’re just plain bored. There’s got to be a number that corresponds to the number of years you’ve been on Facebook which can give you an acceptable amount of pictures in your Profile Pictures album. If you lead a simple life where you’re not galavanting with a world traveler who tries blood sausages for breakfast, you probably change your profile picture around twice a month – and that’s pushing it. Therefore, 2(12) x number of years on Facebook = maximum total number of profile pictures. It’s like the BMI of Social Media and it’s super generous because you got 24 freebies to start off with which should be enough for those awkward photos from your senior year in high school which shouldn’t even count anyway and those duplicates left over from when you didn’t know you could select a previously uploaded photo. Actually it’s too generous. If you have more than 80 photos and you’ve been on Facebook less than 5 years, you need to get a life.

8. “John has sent you a Diamond Dash request”

I don’t want to play with you. Ever. Get the point.