Category Archives: Life or Something Like it

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Excavation of a 20-Something’s Bedroom

After rearranging the furniture during a recent fit of insomnia, my bedroom was a labyrinth that poked at my latent OCD that I had buried deep inside me along with my secret unexplained urge to want to pinch the ass of a nice car. A5s be fine. Anyway, like most humans, I tend to get too caught up in the everyday routine. By the time I get a moment of peace, I will rarely want to waste it organizing the chaos that I have come to call my sanctuary (Kudos if you read that in Quasimodo’s voice). Because tomorrow’s always a day away, I rather just shove it all aside so there’s enough room for me and my laptop to fall asleep. What can I say, we’re very close.


Eventually, the time comes when enough is enough. As I was digging through the rubble of the accumulated possessions, I realized that this process has a Time Capsule Effect. This only occurs when you really dig though, like when you’re moving to a new house or trying to find your Fifa World Cup Brazil scarf from ’98.

A time capsule, for those who are not familiar, is an activity usually reserved for high school reunions and other moments where one may want to literally dig up the past. Participants can place mementos, tapes, videos, etc in the time capsule which will then be buried or locked away only to be opened at a later date where everyone can share in the reminiscing. 


Oddly, no matter how many times you rummage through your belongings, there will always be remnants of a close friend or flame that are no longer a part of your life. There’s no shame in it, they were once important to you and for whatever reason – be it a fight, flight or just life – now they’re just somebody that you used to know. Maybe it’s a nice reminder, maybe it’s bittersweet, or maybe it sucks. Whatever it is, there they are again. These artifacts usually come in the form of old birthday cards/notes, dried flowers, photographs, or a keychain they got you when they went to Prague once. Disposal of such things is a personal choice. Getting rid of the material presence may help the emotional presence if needed. But not much. 

Speaking of keychains, that’s another thing: souvenirs. Shot glasses, snow globes, postcards, figurines, lighters, magnets, and other trinkets that you collected as you and people you know traveled the globe. A lot of these destinations will be places you’ve never been to and may never go to. Some will be places you mark as your next stop. Souvenirs have become the new I-thought-of-you-when-I-was-here instead of the Here’s-proof-I-was-there.

Another collection- syllabi of completed classes, old exams of dropped ones. Original copies of textbooks you swore you’d need as a reference at some point in your career only to come to find that you wouldn’t use them because:
1) they’re not up to date 
2) they’re still incomprehensible even after you graduated
3) the effort is futile, you’ll just google it
4) all of the above.
You rationalize that these will still be good references to have, buying them another couple of years on your shelf where they will collect dust and no resale value whatsoever. This is called guilt. It’s okay, we all paid $85 for a book we were too afraid to use a highlighter on. Just recycle it and stop hoarding.

As you continue your exploration, even Howard Carter wouldn’t be able to fathom why you still have notes from an elective you never liked. If you have already graduated, you will be looking at these and wondering how you ever survived a whole semester/quarter of that professor and her stories about waiting for food stamps during the Cold War or the other guy who always smelled like a cocktail of garlic and Nescafe. The best part of these notes though, will be the doodles and random scribbles that were added by classmates that you forgot you knew. Maybe you will look for them on LinkedIn just to see if they’re doing anything remotely rewarding now.

Old boxes for electronics you have already replaced, manuals you will never read and software you will never install. There’s probably a nylon bag of instructions in 4 languages for a printer that doesn’t work or is out of ink. It’s either sitting under your desk or in an electronics place in Dahieh as of 14 months ago. 


If you’re lucky, you’ll find a present that you have yet to have the chance to gift. It may be one of those just-in-case gifts you’re mom stocks up on or a gift you got someone while they were abroad. Sometimes, the latter may not get the chance to see the intended recipient because too much time will pass. You inherit a goody bag. That would explain a set of teaspoons, a candy-filled yoyo, a wooden model motorcycle, a phallic glass Eiffel of cognac, and a bar of honey soap shaped like a bee with a minijar of honey swiped from the table at that swanky cafe that had overpriced chocolat chaud.

Novels you haven’t had the chance to read, free samples of perfumes/colognes/creams, receipts from late nights at the Hamra pubs, one teddy bear, and a NY Yankees cap. All the little things that you cling to because “I might need this later”/”I can’t throw THAT away!” will be packed away only to be found on your next journey where you will say the same phrase and save it from the grasps of a sukleen truck or charity bin. 

Looking back is an interesting odyssey especially when you know what happened after those periods in your life. Sometimes, but not always, it is good to see what and who got you to the now. 

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Tomorrow We Will See

“Tomorrow We Will See” is a documentary that plays off of the Lebanese vernacular expression “bokra min shoof” which literally means tomorrow we will see, but it’s another way of saying “inshallah” or God willing. It is a common phrase here in Lebanon since people have gotten so used to instability and uncertainty, be it political, economical, social or electrical. This documentary focuses on artistic outlets used in the country.

As stated in the YouTube description for the trailer:

““Tomorrow We Will See” (“Bukra Minshouf”) offers a window into Lebanon’s flourishing creative culture through the perspective of ten Lebanese artists. A rock band’s thought-provoking lyrics, a poet’s description of time shrinking, an architect’s experimental manipulation of space, and a painter’s reflections on his choice of colors, reveal the process by which the featured artists transform ideas, sketches, and spaces into vibrant and dynamic works of art. A common trait that unites the artists is their talent of using art as a tool for transcending sectarian divisions and encouraging freedom of thought. Through their own artistic expressions, they have overcome decades of social and political instability and the uncertainties of what tomorrow may bring.”


 Ceramic Wall titled “From Earth to Heavens”





One example of artistic expression that seems to be disregarded is a mural done on the Bahri road going towards Dbayeh (near Qarantina). This mosaic mural was done in 2009 by Lena Kelekian. She is a visual artist, iconographer, muralist, restorer, geologist, environmental designer, mosaicist, lecturer, and curator. Her extensive education began at AUB where she graduated with a BS in Geology. 

“The distinctive feature of Kelekian’s iconography is her use of traditional Byzantine methods and natural pigments. As a geologist, Kelekian learned how to extract colors from minerals.

“I rediscovered 89 mineral-extracted colors, and discovered a few types of green and yellow.” In keeping with Byzantine methods, she paints her icons in an egg tempera (the egg being the biblical symbol of life and fertility) and embellishes the gold or silver backgrounds with precious and semi-precious stones and pearls.”


Read the full article in AUB’s Main Gate Spring 2006 issue here.



She also has a Higher Studies Diploma in Theology from the Higher Institute for Religious Formation in France, a Higher Studies Diploma in Research & Restoration from UCL, and a Doctorate Degree in Fine Arts from Greci Marino Academy of Letters, Arts & Sciences in Italy. 

She is an “Olympic artist” because her work had been selected to represent Lebanon and the Middle East in the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. According to Al Shorfa, she “won the gold medal at the recent Olympic Fine Arts Exhibition in London, adding a second Olympic gold and the 16th first prize in her career as an artist.” (Am I the only one that didn’t know medals were awarded for art?)

The public benches on the Manara seaside in Ain Mraisse are also mosaic artworks done by Kelekian in an earlier project from 2004.

Kelekian claims to be brewing a surprise come March 2013: inviting a thousand foreign artists to organize an exhibition in central Beirut. 



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5 Reasons You Stare at Your Ceiling at 3 a.m.

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1. Mental Brushfire

This occurs when you let your thoughts run away with themselves. Blame it on the brain clusters that allow you to associate different words to different thoughts. Once this ping pong game of mental craziness begins, it will only conclude with you realizing the time: that is your chance to stop it before it continues on to another loop around your mind.

Example:

Having dessert was a bad idea. But it tasted so good and you don’t go to that restaurant a lot and you’ll go to the gym tomorrow. You should go to the gym. But you’re always so tired. It’s because you took that job. Maybe you shouldn’t have accepted that job’s terms. But you like the money. Then you can buy shoes. That you don’t need. Rewards for hard work are not a crime. You wonder what it would be like to go to prison. Don’t drop the soap. Wait, you’re not a dude. Thank god. But they don’t have to deal with all the dramatic female crap, always smile and smell like watermelons. You swallowed a watermelon seed today. A tree is going to grow in your stomach like that ginger Chucky in Rugrats. You need to stop watching cartoons. It’s 3 a.m., you should be sleeping so you’re not a zombie at that job you took…

And the cycle continues.

2. Ambushed by Choices

You’re contemplating everything. Important choices, trivial ones, even the ones that have nothing to do with anything. Your choices have lead you to where you are now. Had they been different, where would you be? Is there a split universe where another you is living a different life because they chose the road less traveled by at that last crossroad you were stuck at? Are you happier in that dimension? Maybe you shouldn’t have chosen that major, gone to that school, or ordered that milkshake. Maybe you shouldn’t have sent that text, gone to that conference, or agreed to that decision even though you didn’t agree. Maybe you should’ve bought tickets to that show, ditched that acquaintance, or just said everything you were thinking. But you did what you did and didn’t do what you didn’t do. The Butterfly Effect is clear to you and you think that maybe Ashton Kutcher is not such a horrible actor after all. Yeah right, because Punk’d has substance.

3. Double Agent Sheep

“Count sheep,” they say. “It works,”they say. No, it doesn’t. If anything, this makes you think more about keeping track of the damn balls of fluff. Then they start doing pirouettes and Swan Lake moves over the old fence. Your going apeshit trying to count the thousands of cotton ballerinas and you’re thinking that it’s more frustrating than exhausting. You try just counting without the sheep, maybe just numbers works? You realize the numbers equal the seconds of the time passing by where you’re still awake and you’re mind wanders and you forget the number. Somewhere, a sinister sheep baa-hahaha’s at you.

4. Nonexistent Signs

Because it’s late and you’re brain is working in overdrive, you start going over the activities of your day. What happened and what didn’t happen, what could’ve happened, what should’ve happened. You realize that there were hidden signs. There were clues that a higher being left you to tell you what to do with your life or to alleviate the worry that has been building up due to the ambush previously described above. You see the links that were so subtle before. If you hadn’t watched “She’s All That” that afternoon, you may not have thought about going to Just Falafel thinking that you were going to bump into a jock that wanted to make you prom queen. Sure, you didn’t meet a jock and you graduated high school over a decade ago but then, the next day, you get crowned at Burger King at your cousin’s 4th birthday party. It was a premonition.

5. The Clock

The more you think about how you’re still awake, the less likely it is that you’ll actually fall asleep. It’s the complete opposite of falling asleep on a transatlantic airplane. You’ve woken up with a neck ache thinking you’ve slept for at least 6 hours only to find that the stewardess hasn’t even served the peanuts yet. In this case, you open your eyes to check the time to see that 3 hours have passed and you’re thinking, “maybe I should give up and start the coffee maker.” The tick tocking sound of Swatch watches, wall clocks, or the crocodile in your sink. It’s taunting you. You know with every passing tick, you are increasing your chances of being a cast member of Twilight in the morning only without rolling in glitter and baby powder. You’re that guy from the auditions that wasn’t hired because you actually just look dead.

Sweet dreams.

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My Conscience Replies…

Upon request by some readers, the reply to My Letter to My Conscience:



Dear Me,

I’m going to answer this rationally and logically. I’m not your friend. Or I am, just not in the conventional way. I’m not going to help you bury a body, make pinky promises or cheer you on when you chug another flaming Lamborghini shot. I’m going to watch your back, encourage you to always tell the truth and believe in Santa Claus.

You’re all “live in the moment”, thinking you’re a reincarnated John Lennon with your “let it be” mantra. You are not John Lennon. Last time I checked, we were not born in the 40s, we are not the most famous member of the most famous band in music history and we do not take nude photos with Yoko Ono. I’m sorry for the imagery. 

Me, you are ungrateful. You seem to have forgotten the things that I have done for you. Remember when you wore whistle earrings and your colleague was all I-am-Flo-Rida and asked “Can I blow your whistle?” ? Remember how I stopped you from replying “No, it doesn’t work without balls.” ? Good choice in retrospect, if you ask me. Which you did. Or how about that time the McDonald’s delivery bag was left outside your building’s elevator because McDeliveryman didn’t want to carry the load up the stairs when the electricity cut. The smell of those fries enticed you and you thought “he’d never notice a missing happy meal.” He wouldn’t – but little Hassouna would and McDeliveryman would be out of a McJob because you couldn’t control your gastrointestinal urges. And your pepper spray will not save you if you decide to verbally destroy the Ed Hardy-clad inverted-collared casanova at the bar by telling him that he’s not Pinocchio: the wood isn’t going to grow, no matter how much he lies about the length. And let’s not forget the countless times I have to keep you from breaking out into a southern dabkeh whenever Chris Brown’s I Can Transform Ya comes on. Even you know that ain’t right.

I’m the one that needs to function the day after you make mistakes. While others are putting their life together, you’re still trying to find your matching yellow sock that goes with your banana T-shirt. I may have a lack of consistency but you have a lack of discipline. You can’t drink 4 Bonjus pineapple triangle juiceboxes and think you won’t need a bathroom in 20 minutes. You were spot-on when you said you are a child and I feel that JD’s theory about his relationship with Turk can be applied to ours if it were to go the way you wished: like a blooming onion, delicious but unhealthy. 

With all that said, it pains me to admit something: you are right. Perhaps I think too much. Maybe I need to loosen the reigns and just be your cheerleader. (Focus. If you start imagining kinky costumes, we are going to need so much therapy that even foster dad/husband Woody Allen would be telling you “that shit cray.”) I do want happiness. I want you to be thrilled with the life that you lead and, sometimes, I want you to take risks because playing it safe doesn’t always balance out. Sure, in the long run, it may be the more reasonable decision but reasonable security never outweighs unreasonable security. Some of the most beautiful things in life don’t make any sense: Salvador Dali paintings, love, and Matt Bomer’s sexual orientation. What a loss. 

It seems in some cases, sense is overrated and you just have to go with your gut. But please stay away from the chicken nuggets. 

Always here for you,
Conscience

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You Don’t Know Jack

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Carpe Diem. YOLO which brings on FOMO. Quarter-life crises. An attack by fortune cookies. Those Pinterest pages with pictures that have white Helvetica text across the center with titles of “Stuff I wanna do before I die.” They all make you feel like you’re just not living in the moment. You’re not taking advantage of everything that could be done with your life right now. AND they’re reminding you that you could die today and all you’re doing is sitting behind your computer screen. Jeez.

Well, like I always say, since we’re becoming scatterbrained jugglers who lose those mental golden nuggets of genius every time we blink (we cleverly call ourselves multitaskers when really we’re on the verge of cranial explosion), write it down. And be realistic about it so start small. Let’s face it; we are not going to go on a fully-paid trip with Jack Nicholson narrated by Morgan Freeman only to be placed in a tuna can at the top of Mount Everest. Instead of writing a bucket list for your whole life which would include things that probably require you to sell a few organs and your first-born, write a list for this season. Instead of “bucket list,” call it “subtle list” since all these things are subtle: not obvious and not drastic actions. Honestly, it’s also because the word “subtle,” when pronounced correctly in English, means “bucket” in Arabic. So totally creative.

So let’s try to avoid qualitative things like “be more outgoing” because there’s no proof that you really did that and it’s very subjective. Asking the waiter for an extra maraschino cherry is not being outgoing. Plus, it could be misread you clueless naughty minx, you.

Include things that require action and can be documented but are actually doable.
Here are some of mine:

1. Try tequila gummy bears (Usually, they’re made with vodka but I’m going to experiment with an alternative)
2. Read at least 15 books
3. Make an abstract self portrait out of business cards from the places you went
4. Graffiti a wall (not that I’m encouraging illegal behavior – long live Banksy)
5. Videotape an entire typical day of your life and watch it – see what you learn about yourself
6. Send a postcard to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney
7. Ride the Teleferique to Harissa
8. Dress up with Kanye swagger
9. Take a picture with a live zoo animal
10. Learn how to do the fast Lebanese dabkeh

Guillaume Apollinaire said “now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy” so don’t forget to soak it all in because, you know, you could die today.

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Edward & Frankenweenie

WARNING: This post is loaded with videos. If you have a poor internet connection, then let these stream while you sit in a staff meeting watching the girl who’s watching the guy idly thumb the springs of the pineapple in the fruit basket like it’s a genie’s lamp.

If there was a tab on how many times I had viewed every movie seen in my lifetime, I’m very confident that Edward Scissorhands would be the top viewed (with Practical Magic and The Little Mermaid tied in second). For some reason, I never get sick of watching this creepy Tim Burton film and it is the sole reason I love the director. Well, it and Beetlejuice. Please educate your offspring about the original Team Edward. Another Edward that should be highlighted is Edward Gorey, a writer and illustrator who, like Burton, had a dark style.

Scene from Edward Scissorhands:

Upon doing some reading, I found that Burton had done a short film in 1984 titled “Frankenweenie.” It’s a parody of the original Frankenstein but also has bits and pieces of Scissorhandsian magic. The choice of actress to play Victor’s mother helps the feel since she was the mother in the classic thriller “The Shining” released just 4 years prior. And there’s the guy who played Marv in the Home Alone series too but that’s irrelevant. Apparently, a black and white stop motion remake of it is to be released this year.

The original Frankenweenie in ’84:

The 2012 Frankenweenie Trailer released at Comic-Con:

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7 Kinds of Love You Find in College

1. Academic

You take classes in philosophy, psych, maybe even a little cultural studies so that you can properly analyze a book that is most likely related to some form of colonialism. You major in something you think you’re passionate about or something that will make a lot of money or something that sounds really good at a 10-year reunion. And if you choose right, this may actually be something you can make a real career out of. Maybe. The love you get out of the courses you take and the lessons you learn will teach you what you want to do with your life or what you don’t want to do with your life. Either way, you will fall into a couple of academic potholes and eventually you’ll find out which one will pop your tire and make you stay. Even by studying something you don’t love, you’ll discover what you do love.

2. Platonic

You will meet so many people. Younger, older, weirder, or just plain boring. You’ll become friends with the guy who always offers gum. You’ll hate that girl in front who, without fail, asks a question a minute before the teacher was going to dismiss you…every hour. Your friends will make friends and you’ll meet those friends who will introduce you to their friends who will be your original friends. You probably know people’s full names even though you’ve never met them because they’ve had enough interaction on Facebook with mutual friends.  Just walking around campus will make you effectively know a huge chunk of your demographic and you will continue to recognize people after you graduate but you won’t know why. But here’s the truth: You will make plenty of acquaintances but only a small number of close friends. Life will catch up with you post-graduation and all those people you met will start doing their own thing. It’s not personal, it’s business also known as “your future”.

3. Romantic

You will meet someone who will become your person. The one you wake up early in the morning for. The one who knows that before a test, you’re going to be in pajamas in the library but doesn’t mind because you’re falling asleep on them so, technically, you’re appropriately dressed for the occasion. The one your friends call when they can’t find you. The one that pisses you off because they ate your last french fry but, deep down, you don’t care. The one who gives you their hoodie when you wear that polyester shirt that’s going to make you an allergic mess. The one that makes you stronger just by saying “it’ll be okay” because them saying it makes it true. The one who’s smell is chloroform and smelling salts to you. The one who is your spinach and kryptonite. The one that may be The One. Or not.

4. Materialistic

You will develop a love for at least one material item that is unnatural. It may be your car, your laptop, your cellphone, your iPod, your lucky BIC pen that has managed to help you pass every English essay that needed to be written within 30 minutes…it could be all of these things, at which point, you may need to get out more. You will become dependent on this item and love it like it is your child. You will have heart palpitations when it is hurt and will worry about it when it’s not with you. Please remember, they are material things. They can be replaced. As long as you backup all data and/or have insurance. Except for the BIC, that stuff is magic.

5. Parental

You will realize how much your parents love you. Not immediately but eventually it will dawn on you.  They will suffocate you with phone calls, lectures and questions about where you are, why you’re not studying, who you’re with, what you ate for lunch, etc. Then there’s the teasing about how you’ve lost/gained weight which is somehow related to the status of your love life that you have yet to inform them about and that’s their way of reminding you that you haven’t. And if you’re living on your own, you will realize how much your parents used to do for you without you appreciating it because now you have to do everything yourself while still getting the phone calls, lectures and questions mentioned above.

6. Professional

You will meet at least one accomplished individual – a professor, guest speaker, lab instructor, PhD student – who will inspire you to be an accomplished individual. They don’t necessarily have to be in your field or from your country of origin but you see yourself in them for some unknown reason. They will give you hope and make you think that it is actually possible to “make it” and that maybe that last overnight or failed final won’t even be a blip on the radar of success that is in store for your ambitious little soul. You’re going to be a star because J.K. Rowling said failing is okay and since Scrooge McDuck is definitely jealous of her case of swimmer’s ear, you’re convinced she knows her shit.

7. Self

You will develop a new found love for yourself. You will spend nights bouncing thoughts about your future off the ceiling like it’s a ping pong table. You will realize what your weaknesses and strengths are. You will realize how powerless you can be and how much you can accomplish. You will surprise yourself over and over again. You will also learn what you will put up with from other people and what you will be willing to do for others as well. You will see how selfless you can be without feeling used but you will also know that there will come a point where you will also need to be selfish without shame. And sometimes, you will do this all alone. You will become your own worst enemy and your own best friend because the one constant you can count on in all the ups and downs is you.

If you’re lucky, you get to experience at least 3 of these. If you’re really lucky, you get them all. (POKE-E-MON!…sorry.) 

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Let’s Talk About Seasons

Close up of “Eternal Spring” – Auguste Rodin
Musee Rodin. Paris, France



Here in Lebanon, the majority of the population are trilinguals with knowledge in Arabic, English and French (or Armenian, Spanish, Italian, etc). Those that are in the French education system are known as “Frenchies.” Despite the fact that I would love to know a third language and French would be convenient and fancy, I am not a Frenchie. 


With this introduction, I now feel comfortable copying a quote here in French without feeling like a pseudo-intellectual fraud and I apologize in advance for yet another Tony Robbins moment. 


“Au milieu de l’hiver, j’ai découvert en moi un invincible été.”  – Albert Camus


Translation: “In the depths of winter, I discovered there was in me an invincible summer.”


To me, it means that even in your lowest moment, when shit has hit the fan, when there’s no hot water, when you have to eat spinach for the 3rd day in a row, when you’re still unemployed, when someone close to you has passed away…there is still an undying spirit within you that will help you persevere. There is an underestimated amount of summer that will push you through every winter that you’re forced to trudge through, you just don’t know it yet.



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451º F

“He saw himself in her eyes, suspended in two shining drops of bright water, himself dark and tiny, in fine detail, the lines about his mouth, everything there, as if her eyes were two miraculous bits of violet amber that might capture and hold him intact.”

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury


*image is an edited screen shot from Gucci Guilty TVC

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Ernest Hemingway at Midnight

Ernest Hemingway’s character in the Woody Allen film, “Midnight in Paris”, makes a beautiful speech as they ride to Gertrude Stein’s place (based on a quote by Hemingway himself, pasted below).

This movie is light and great if you’re in the mood to chill on the couch on a Friday night and order in.

“All men fear death. It’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman’s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal.” –Ernest Hemingway