Dear Unemployer

Update: This post was inspired by the struggle of many young people in my age group. It is written on their behalf and is not a diary entry directly related to my personal experience. 

Dear Unemployer,

First of all, thank you for rejecting me. I think about your graceful brush-off ever so often in the moments before sunrise. My mind creates scenarios as to why you were so cold and distant. I can’t help but wonder if you ever think twice about your decision. You seem to go on without any consideration. 

Second of all, I think you’ve made a huge mistake. In a world where the young dabble in “natural substances” and “travel to Amsterdam”, you should know that, regardless of my low tolerance for bubblegum cough syrup and that time I almost overdosed on Flintstone chewable vitamins, I’m as clean as the interior of a Clorox bottle. I also have a pristine virtual photographic history which is an asset in the age of the Internet. I don’t have pictures in digital space that will tarnish your company’s reputation. Ain’t nobody don’t ask me, I’m just so fresh, so clean.

I’ve done countless things to outshine all the other applicants. I’ve done internships, volunteer work, extracurricular activities, and I’m a social media fiend. I once Facebooked a YouTube video that was tweeted from a Tumblr page on Pinterest. I don’t share bogus links featuring Morgan Freeman narrating the death of a 40 hamster-mass-suicide. I spread useful, original, corroborated stuff. I even blog about various important topics that affect our youth today like globalization, love, and happiness. Hell, I have two bachelor degrees and a minor. I know you’ll claim I don’t know a lot of languages in a market where the majority speaks at least 4 but I am eloquent in English, unintentionally hilarious in Arabic (I once said I did it with 3 cakes), and I can piece together enough French to order lunch for the office. I also have enough Armenian friends that I can tell you that although you think that “gogortilos” is a wicked Mexican dish consisting of sex wrapped in tortillas, it actually just means “crocodile.”

Lastly, I’m just an overall really GOOD person. It’s just in my nature ever since I was a child – I couldn’t eat meghleh when my younger sister was born because I thought it was made of Mowgli, I have an unexplained hate for Clive Owen, I use inappropriate jokes to see if a new acquaintance is weird enough to be my friend, and my vocabulary is not very “lady-like” at all times but that’s quite a sexist label for the fucking 21st century. What I’m trying to say is, my bad points hardly make a blip on the morality radar and the Dalai Lama would be my homie if I lived in Tibet. 

The fact that you have rejected me should probably discourage me. After all, you were my gateway to freedom, my paycheck to adulthood, my ticket to an unlimited supply of BIC pens. You’d give me the power to buy useless furniture and “decorative pieces” for my own living space; I’d finally own a statue and invite friends over for a night “at my place.” I’d be like “bring some wine” and they’d be all “okay, as long as you make your guacamole!” and then I’d freak out because avocados are expensive but it’d be okay because I’m making paper. Therefore, your rejection should make me feel hopeless and defeated. It doesn’t though. Sure, it stings like when you remember Hogwarts isn’t real, but I’m not that torn up. Actually, the Hogwarts void is harder to accept. I mean, come on, even you wonder what you’d see in the reflection of the Mirror of Erised. I used to think I’d see you but now I know that there are bigger and better things out there for me.

I will be diplomatic and say that, perhaps, I wasn’t the right fit for you. Maybe you aren’t meant to be with me. Maybe the fact that Kathy Bates‘ advice was easier to remember than anything ever explained in those etiquette classes in my private elementary school is a sign that I am on a different wavelength of comprehension so I will never get why you don’t want me. Or maybe I’m just too “overqualified.” In which case, you’re right, I’m too good for you. 

But you know what? Whatever it is, I really do thank you. If you can’t appreciate what I’m offering you then you don’t deserve to have me. Translation: I’m going to work for your competitor and make you cry someday. 

I’m strong, smart, and made to succeed. What’s funny is that I could’ve been all these things with you, but I guess you’ll never know since you let me go.

Warm Regards,
Unemployee

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4 thoughts on “Dear Unemployer

  1. Dear Unemployee

    In a country where few business owners understand the power of advertising, and even fewer know the importance of the originality in design, in a country where “recommendations” helps you land a job more than your actual skills, in a country where you’re expected to be an A student in order to get a fraction of chance to land an opportunity, whereas, this country’s leaders clearly are uneducated.
    it’s no surprise to get rejected.
    but after having the pleasure of working with you and after witnessing your nifty imagination in action, I assure you that it’s their loss. never let their inadequacy put you down, you got more than what it takes, keep on doing what you do, because only your persistence would take you where you deserve to be

    Regards

    Admirer

    • Thanks a lot Sameh. Although I wrote this on behalf of our generation in general (not entirely on a personal level) it is nice to read your encouragement and your compliments! I appreciate it 😀

  2. Experiences with employment in Lebanon:
    – Working at “P-group” (one would wonder who came up with that wonderful name. “Pee group” for a small company with about 15 employees. They used to be 100 or so, but got downsized. So you had 15, yet it didn’t keep them from having an HR manager, sales manager, IT manager, whatever… anyway there were cool overall). Was dismissed after 3 months because they were still downcutting. I am thankful for giving me this opportunity to train my punctuality skills 🙂
    – Working with a small crappy company. It all looked nice during the interview, they seemed very professional, high tech and all during the interview, but they turned out to be grossly unprofessional and unethical and produce low quality products. That did not keep them from requesting signature of a 4 year NDA. Manager smoked in front of me, and opened the window to let air in, and my finger froze. My coworker earned $500 / month (fresh graduate). They would remove a whole day from my salary when I came 1/2 hour late. They would send an SMS on Friday night, summoning presence on Saturday. Pay wasn’t awesome, ($800 during probation then $1300 after that, but nothing was left after them substracting for being late). but no respect whatsoever for new skills and criticism and many other things… The experiment lasted 2 weeks
    – A fancy “social marketing” company. Bascially they were this and that and we don’t know and they said why don’t you come next week and try working here and we’ll see how it goes. After a week they were still giving excuses as to why they could not give me an answer. After two weeks, when they ran out of excuses and reason to procrastinate they proposed employment for a salary of $700. No thanks, that amount can be made in 3 days freelancing.

    Emigration to Germany, Berlin. So far, the experience is 10 times better. Salary is about 1700 euros net (that is after all taxes and all) – and it is considered low but that’s because of the lack of references from current employers, especially withing Germany – and only freelance projects to show. All other things, work related, have been better on all aspects, more professionalism, more respect, politeness, etc. It sounds too good to be true at this point, only time will tell if it’s an illusion.

    You can make your own conclusions.

    • Quite the detailed account here – I’m sorry it wasn’t all you were hoping for but perhaps you still love the other aspects relating to this lovely little slice of dysfunctional heaven? Haha, if you’re happier there, then I hope Germany is a better fit for you. Good luck 🙂

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