FACEBOOK.

Facebook’s new message settings allow you to see when people have “seen” your message. Facebook’s new message settings allow people to see when you’ve seen their messages. Crap, now you HAVE to reply.
*deactivates account*

FOOD FEARS.

“There are 120 calories in this Special K breakfast bar, so I can have this whipped cream on my toffee nut latte”/ “I saw that photo of the cheeseburger that was left in a car for 7 years, it didn’t rot”/ “Every can of Pepsi has 10 tablespoons of sugar in it”/ “Ew, mayonnaise.” You go to Chili’s and order the following: bottomless tortilla chips & salsa, fried chicken crispers, and a cherry Coke. But you hardly touch the fries or the corn. Molten Cake anyone?

HEALTH.

You should go to the gym. You end up ordering takeout or smoking a cigarillo on your balcony even though they make you feel like a tool. You also bought a pack of Turkish-labeled Adicto muffins and, as you sit on your balcony imitating the Godfather and figuring out what constitutes “inhaling”, you get a notification on your phone for the latest anti-cancer event that you checked “attending” for. It’s in 44 minutes, puff puff.

BIRTHDAYS.

You buy a birthday present for someone when you’re still acquaintances and you’ve been invited to their party so you won’t dare go empty-handed. However, it takes you a minimum of 4 months to buy gifts for your close friends…if you buy them anything at all. Real love is not about gifts. That, and you can admit to them that you’re broke.

TWO-FACED.

Gerard Butler played 300’s King Leonidas…and the Phantom of the Opera. (Sidenote: I would learn to play the piano just so I could furiously play the theme song. Some kids used to air guitar, I air pianoed) – That’s like Vin Diesel playing Riddick and a Peter Panda dancing undercover nanny…wait a second…or the same location that once had La Adelita on it’s taquito-selling walls is now a knefeh-selling Hallab & Sons. Ah, how things can have so many identities.

STAYING IN.

You decide to stay in on a Saturday night to work on a project, finish an assignment, study…you know, be an adult about life. You end up in the forbidden valleys of YouTube listening to genres of music you never knew existed, reading comments written by people who are high off dry-erase markers, and Facebook leap frogging* until 2 am. You have so many windows and tabs open that you forget what you were supposed to be doing but when the guilt rushes in, you’re like “if I went out, I’d have wasted money on a mediocre outing only to come home with no work done. At least now my paper has…a title.”

*Facebook leap frogging: you jump from one friend’s profile to another and another and another…