1. “It ain’t right”
It would just be mean. If the world ended on the 21st, you would’ve wasted so much time behind computer screens, at work, studying, planning, worrying, etc instead of just traveling and throwing away all your savings on good food and enjoyment – even if your savings meant you could only go as far as Batroun, you were going to drink up all that lemonade like the spontaneous animal you are. It just wouldn’t have been fair to die after you’ve gone through the hassle of Christmas traffic/shopping. And right before New Year’s Eve? At least if the world were to end then, you’d feel like it was a “new beginning” anyway and you could get so intoxicated, you wouldn’t even care. Mayan Apocalypse? BRING IT ON. *hiccup*
2. “I just washed my car”
It only took you 3 months and an allergic reaction to dust to actually get your ass to go to the DRIVE THRU CAR WASH THAT TAKES 15 MINUTES (and is too fun…one day, there will be one for humans like on the Jetsons, and I’ll just go through it over and over) but you finally did. Your car smells like a tree, your stash of parking stubs is gone, and you don’t feel apologetic anymore when you talk to your steering wheel. “See, I took you for a bath and I treat you well. Anyway listen, don’t let me forget about the library books and stop wheezing, you just got $30 of 98.” BAM. The world ends and it’s the freaking Saudi sandstorm of the century. It was all for nothing.
3. “I’m not friends with Morgan Freeman…yet”
Not only was he not doing sweet narration of your demise, but he wasn’t your BFF for completing your thrifty bucket list. If you’re a twenty-something and not married to the Zucks, it means your 24 hours-left-to-live bucket list consists of eating 80 honey barbecue chicken wings without puking, building the Hogwarts castle out of gingerbread, and jacking a Bugatti. With Freeman by your side, it would’ve all sounded like a fable resulting in Richard Bronson being jealous and inviting you to die on his island. Score.
You: “I’ll have one cocktail in a coconut cup with a lime green swirly straw and a little pink umbrella. And lots of nachos.”
Freeman: “I never quite understood what the significance of the colors were, but she always had a particular way of doing things and, by golly, she knew how to live.”
4. “Game of Thrones Season 3”
Whether or not you care about this series, you want to know if Jon Snow is going to get laid. Like ever. And you want to see how Arya plans on castrating Geoffrey and his Prince Charming uncledaddy. Or how else the blondie and her dragons are going to eternally friendzone the man-slave from Tomb Raider. You want to see Tyrion verbally shit on Cersei for a full 45 minutes followed by Lady Stark just bitchslapping her like a mofo. But really, you don’t care or anything.
5. “I told you 6th grade history class was useless.”
You don’t have to feel guilty about not remembering anything about the Mayans. They will now forever be associated with the hashtag EPIC FAIL. However, ignorance is not okay even if you’re about to be annihilated. Machu Picchu is an Incan site, not a Mayan Pokemon. Read a book. Besides, 6th grade history was the only history class with flavor – Greeks, Egyptians, and all those jokes about the “fertile crescent.” Ah, puberty.
6. “I’ve spent my whole life in school.”
And now it still matters. Congratulations.
7. “Now I can be honest.”
You’ve been given more time on this earth so maybe you should take advantage and admit to things and feelings you’ve been too afraid to share. Or maybe not, because not everyone responds well to “I love the way you smell, I always have, especially when you let your hair down and I can tell you’ve just showered…I’m Bob by the way.” No rush, it’s not like the world’s gonna end.
8. “I’m not done yet, dammit.”
No seriously, ma ken wa2ta, you’ve got shit to do.