This list was requested by reader & friend, Lena J.
1. Florence and their Machine
They think they have a Grammy voice. They think they are Adele without the depression. Maybe. They hit the high notes and whisper the melodic lines of “Skyfall” as they imagine themselves tuxedoed/LBDed, suave and debonair at the bar ordering a shaken-not-stirred vodka martini. They are calm and collected with a voice that is as ferocious as their fiery naturally volumized Arab hair. They are Florence Welch and they are driving their Machine. Move aside earthlings with no vocal talent, listen to them roar. Oh yes, they are a star.
Unfortunately, to the audience, they sound like a dying cow and look like they’re having a seizure dancing the robot with the steering wheel.
2. Jagal el Alpina
They are the sleazy & cheesy male drivers of the BMW Alpinas covered in latex tattoos of “Follow Me If You Want to Die” and weird phrases in something resembling English. They think they’re skilled drivers because they “shaffit” leaving skidmarks to document 360s done in the middle of an intersection. They have a misunderstood relationship with hair gel and jewelry.
3. Horny & Corny
Not to be confused with sleazy & cheesy, these are the male drivers who tend to be the conductors of vans, charging with their heads jutting out of the window. They maneuver like the vehicle is an extension of their body. Although there is an unbreakable affection between them and their horn, they also make a mating call that can only be described as a prolonged kiss sound, only that would make it seem gentle. This, along with the poetic lines that are directed towards pointing out ladies’ assets, makes them one of the crippled Casanovas of the country.
4. The Teflon Tante
She drives an X5, X6, Vogue, Q5, Q7, Cayenne, anything that’s a gas-guzzling 4×4 that is never really meant for offroading. She is female, coined the Teflon Tante because she thinks she’s as gangster as Rick Ross especially since she has the same gold-encrusted pimp sunglasses. The key difference is that he still looks badass in something that would normally be cast off as only-for-Liberace. She, on the other hand, combined with her high maintenance everything, is a glorified soccer mom. She probably wears designer sweatpants that have never seen the gym, has half the nose she was born with, and never parallel parks.
5. The Skypist
They are stuck in traffic and staring at their crotch. Their head is bobbing up and down making everyone wonder what on earth is really going on because, as far as us nosy people can see, no one’s in there with them. They are Skyping. That’s not remotely as dirty as it sounds or as it looks in this case. They’re going to get someone killed though because they‘re simultaneously making sure they don’t hit the car in front of them while trying to make eye contact with someone who’s sitting on their bed in their pjs in another country.
Pull over and stare at your crotch without hurting anyone else or make like an abstinence campaign and DON’T SKYPE IN THE CAR.
6. The Lowriding Snoop Camel
They drive with their left hand, one butt cheek on the seat, leaning back, eye-level with the dashboard. They don’t even grip the wheel because they’re so smooth, they be sipping on gin and juice. *Hydraulics? Spinners? Yeah, I know what they are. No, I can’t afford them. But check out my “mango” palm tree air freshener. So fresh, so clean, hell I bet you want some sushi now.*
7. The Fast and The Are You F**king Serious
They are practicing for the F1 race. If they’re not already, they want to feel like they’re driving a manual car and “betweenet” are their specialty, shifting gears in their tiptronic monster just because they can. They want to get to that moment in Driven, when the raindrops are freezing in mid-air before splashing on to the windshield. They want to pull the handbrake, spin, whip out a 9mm, and wink at Eva Mendes but they won’t because they’ve hit a tree.
8. Oh So Textual
“Omg traffic is soooo bad.” Yes, we’ve all done that one. It’s usually because you’re in traffic and you’re not moving. But there’s the Oh So Textual drivers who have a disease. They‘re as evil as the Skypist. They check Facebook and drive. They Instagram the speedometer and drive. They text “lol” to the hot girl from English class that they just randomly saw at Starbucks because if they don’t immediately initiate a whatsapp conversation, timing will be off and she’ll never be the mother of their children. They’ve got to text now because texting later will be…exactly the same thing.
With that said, Shazam needs to bypass the iPhone keypad lock because that shit is annoying when my unknown jam is on the radio.
9. The Motorcycle Clans
One of three clans when driving a bike:
• TooLegitToSit – meaning they drive a bike that is never actually seen being driven because it’s always parked outside an establishment looking shiny.
• Acrobatic Ballerinas – the performance artists who balance on their motos in the middle of the highways, practicing Cirque du Soleil routines as they pop a wheelie.
• Meals on Wheels – those who deliver greasy food to the masses and, on occasion, a hookah to a Teflon Tante.
Taxi drivers of Beirut, they go HAM. They could be the sweetest or the craziest people you will ever meet. But one thing’s for sure, there’s always good stories with them.
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