By Nicholas Jackson

Overview & Facts:

Typically affecting 67% of fresh college graduates, the LPS is a fairly new medical condition. In the past, epidemics of the sort were rare for all youth had purpose; males would kill wild boar and females would be baby ovens. But with the evolution of man, the industrial & technological revolutions and the invention of lucrative fatty food delivery services, today’s young adults suffer from LPS: they are essentially lost puppies in a fast-paced world. They are overeducated and thus overqualified yet under-experienced embryos just waiting to develop into full-blown professionals. In search of the vocation that will give their lives meaning, allow them to provide, and buy their own Picanto, LPS patients are in a simmering state of panic at all times. Fear of failure and inevitable permanent employment at McDonald’s do not even outweigh the fear of mediocrity. After all, failing at starting your own business is still more admirable than being an Ivy League alumnus who scrapes feces off the sides of the Atlantis Resort turtle tanks.

Symptoms & Types:

• Plummeting hope of ever being recruited although you attended a top ranked school, hold a degree with honors, and/or have a string of internships at reputable MNCs
• Yesmanoritis, side-effect of LPS; you say “yes” to all available workshops, activities, volunteer work, and training sessions that can further differentiate you from the crowd only to find that they make you even more overqualified…and there’s no room left on your 1-page-only CV to include them; therefore, they go unnoticed
• Early LPS is said to develop pre-university, around the age of 18 – this is a myth and is usually misdiagnosed. What is called early LPS is just the first stage to more unfriendly acronyms: LSD, THC, and STD. “Going to find yourself” is not a cure for anything, it is an excuse to go on a Eurotrip, experiment, and return with herpes. In reality, early LPS is just a teenager who listens to too much alternative rock.
• Periodic eruptions of verbal vomit: whereamigoingwithmylifemaybeishouldjustapplyforanotherdegreeinsomething/ idontwanttogrowupsomeonebuymeajetski/ canibeagolddiggerilovekanyewest/ whydoihavetoalwaysfilloutapplicationsinterviewclothesaresorestricting. These are a result of the simmering state of panic described above. Recovery from these fits occur in seedy bars, overdosing on Chunky Monkey or spending the night spooning with a giant red bear named Optimus – and no, I don’t mean a ginger guy of Irish decent. Picture the Valentine version of the Gossamer from the Looney Tunes.
• Settling for much less than deserved be it in position, compensation or respect out of pure desperation to be employed and never eat Ramen noodles again. This denial is accepted by repeating phrases like “everyone has to start at the bottom” or “everyone likes to staple.”

Diagnosis & Tests:

Testing positive for LPS is concluded by conducting quantitative and qualitative examinations.

Quantitative
– Increased level of dreams where you fail to learn a skill, complete a task or win a game. For example, Sean Connery tried teaching you how to wrestle a cobra a few nights back. The cobra ate you.
– Unnatural generic automated responses to all questions pertaining to the topic of job searches, future plans or prospects in anything relating to serious matters of your personal life.

Qualitative
– Increased level of copy/pasted inquiries on “availability in your department” as well as increased level of received rejections from online applications.
– Increased play count of alternative rock songs

Treatment & Care:

• Accepting that this is completely normal, you are not alone. As stated above, 67% of others in the same age group with Bachelors, Masters and overrated MBAs are living with this condition too. They avoid the topic by cutting conversations short or trying to focus the limelight on someone’s success while simultaneously increasing the likelihood of depression. This is wrong. It’s okay to talk about it. Just not with possible prospective employers.
• Remember why you worked so hard in the first place and what your goals are. The world will not end if things are not panning out the way you saw them in your head. “I used to want to be a ballerina/hairdresser with a donut shop on the side, but hey, shit happens.” But then, other shit happens, and sometimes it’s THE shit. Have a little faith.
• Do not allow yourself to wallow in self pity…for too long. You are not going to get a job lying on the couch in your stained sweatpants smelling like fried cauliflower. Mary Catherine Gallagher said it best.
• Have Mickey Mouse pancakes with lots of maple syrup and a small slice of butter. They make everything better and you forget you’re an adult without a future.

Living & Managing:

Sadly, not all people can relocate to a vacation island to sell coconuts hard-carved like celebrities, living off of rice cakes with a perpetual golden tan (that’s mine, copywritten so don’t copy me). Comparison will be the death of you. Stop thinking about others who are getting everything they want and a bag o’chips. Shakira is a successful Colombian-Lebanese singer and she’s going to have a toddler with nice Pique hair that has better dance moves than those creepy Evian babies. Should you care? No.

Exhaust all your resources. It is who you know combined with what you know, not just one or the other. Networking is important and not just behind a screen. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help.

Further Information:

As of recent studies, there has yet to be a cure discovered for LPS. Some physicians believe that it eventually passes, like a stint of acne that accompanies your adjusting hormones. Others believe that people learn to live with it by passing through the emerging stage of the syndrome, called growing up.