10 Things You Should Avoid Doing While Stuck in a Beiruti Traffic Jam


1. Eating nutella&go while security guards on the sidewalks watch you get chocolate on your fingers. You’re too afraid to eat the leftover nutella out of the container for fear of their “overexcitement”.

2. Singing along to one of these songs complete with hand gestures and high notes:
Usher- Climax
Chris Brown & Bieber- Next to You
Fugees- Killing Me Softly
Rihanna- Birthday Cake,

You don’t want people watching you bop your head to the beat of cake, cake, cake, hearing you say you know they want to lick icing off or attempting to sound like an acoustic guitar with your vocal chords because you sound just like Lauryn Hill when the sunroof’s open. You don’t. Record yourself and embrace the truth.

3. Drink a beverage of any kind. You’re in a traffic jam and have probably studied the human body once in your life. It’s only a matter of time before that bladder is wishing it could cry so it wouldn’t have to rely on you to physically empty it.

4. Get out of the car to see how bad the traffic is ahead of you. What’s the point? Are you going to part the red sea of cars like Moses? No.

5. Honk. The horn was invented to use in case of vehicular emergency when something or someone is in grave danger of being mutilated by the heavy machinery you’re operating. That does not apply to people who can see you frozen in time in their rear view mirror.

6. Blast a song with all the windows open without dancing along. If you’re going to be stubborn about it and make us all listen to your choice of lyrical genius, at least give us a free show. Leaning back like a gangsta with “My Humps” blaring is not hardcore unless you’re wearing a camel costume and aviators.

7. Cleaning your windshield with the automatic water sprayer. That’s just rude. And I’m sorry but I couldn’t see. 

8. Inflicting pain on a darake, or policeman, no matter how much his self importance makes you want to prove that you can make him squeal higher notes than an ambulance siren by shoving his baton up his…Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave. 

9. Going aks-el-ser, or the wrong way on a one way street, to escape the traffic only to cause another jam somewhere else because a conga line of morons followed you and now you’re all blocking the road.

10. Texting. You’re slowly going to roll into the bumper in front of you because you’re too busy complaining to others that the “traffic is deathhhhh.” BAM. There goes your radiator. 

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