We can’t go on this way. Agreeing to disagree is not the best strategy to apply to our relationship; after all, we need to agree on the majority of situations that we come across. I can’t handle having another facet to my multifaceted personality, six is my threshold.
You see, if we are in agreement, then what we say/think will match what we do. If we are not in agreement, then I will probably be beating myself up with a figurative frying pan at some point due to mere acts of poor judgment and stupidity. You are supposed to help me. If we agree on these acts as being justified then they are no longer stupid. If we always agree, everybody wins. It is only when we disagree, that I am caught in guilt quicksand: the more I attempt to defend my actions, the more you bury me in grains of reason and logic. We need to work as a team. We can enjoy every day if you and I work together. If we’re on the same page, if we speak the same language, we could be great. It’s like that time I learned that “montgolfiere” meant hot-air balloon in French instead of fiery Mongolian. Something that has so much potential is, in reality, quite disappointing because it was lost in translation. That analogy actually makes no sense but I’m on a roll, don’t hate.
I don’t care if you don’t care and you don’t care if I don’t care but I do care and you do care but we keep acting like we don’t care. Let’s stop the madness. Come to think of it, technically, everything I’ve ever done wrong is your fault because you were there when they happened. Don’t put on a blindfold, call it impulse and feed me to the dogs. Take my hand. Be the weight that keeps me from flying away, that keeps me on the ground. You could be happy, too.
I am a child. I will do what I want when I want unless you tell me otherwise. So don’t. Next time we are contemplating overnighting for my unpaid internship, you must agree that it’s worth it. Do not tell me that I am not being paid to do such a sacrifice, the lack of sleep will not help me sell my idea during the presentation that day, and that no one hires a zombie. Next time I want to go to happy hour with some friends in the middle of the week, you must agree that I need to have some time to wind down. Do not tell me that happy hour never really ends at 8pm, that I shouldn’t be consuming so much cheap alcohol, or that those bar nuts have been touched by other nuts by association.
I trust your intuition because I know that you know better – although I’m not sure why since you’ re already the voice inside my head *cue Blink 182*. You’re the rational one. That’s supposed to be a strength because so many feel that emotions are a source of weakness. I think we both know that Heart has betrayed us before. She is sincere and passionate and life is so intense when she overpowers Brain. And then we almost lose Brain because Heart is bungee jumping off of cliffs for kicks. Good times. Anyway, rational. It’s better, at least until you can figure out a balance once the scraps from the heart paper shredder are taped back together. You are there to look out for me but don’t rain on our parade. Let’s just agree to be happy…within reason.
Read the reply from my conscience…
*The title may confuse you – there’s usually one topic you don’t want to discuss with someone for whatever reason, yet they insist on bringing it up whenever you see them. Here are 8 topics to throw them off the trail.
1. Apple is probably building a super computer that will control our lives, dubbed the Big Mac, and it will run on the preserved tears of Granny Smith, a special fuel also known as AppleSauce. You really think the name “iRobot” was a coincidence? Exactly.
2. How playing NatGeoWild Narrator in real life can be incredibly entertaining. Proceed to play NatGeoWild Narrator. This is a game I invented out of pure boredom: pick out a person or two nearby and start narrating their behavior as if you were a NatGeoWild Narrator and they are wildlife. Name your show and episode. Use an accent. If you’re not into nature, Soap Opera Dialogue works too.
3. The existence of dry shampoo baffles you. How are you supposed to feel cleaner after sprinkling white powder (yes, I’m imagining Tony Montana and a mountain of coke) on to your scalp? Wait, it doesn’t look like dandruff? What do you mean it’s all in my head? Like, LITERALLY?
4. Whether or not Norman Bates, lead role in Psycho, had some twisted version of the Oedipus Complex. He went all RuPaul on his mother’s memory. Dress up in drag all you want but when you go drag as mommy? That’s some Freudian shit right there.
5. Justin Timberlake is the king of payback songs/videos. Cry me a river because what goes around comes back around and ain’t nobody love you like I love you…Biatch.
6. Gum is illegal in Singapore. Because bubbles be badass. Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride never looked so fierce.
7. The world before Facebook/Twitter made you an unintentional creeper/legal stalker of people you don’t even remember waving hello to the day before. Or some other person you don’t know because let’s face it: 15% of the Earth’s population is on Facebook and not all have discovered/understand privacy settings. Oh my god, he’s mutual friends with my cousin’s godfather’s brother. THERE IS HOPE.
8. Which combination of seven dwarves you would want to live with in the middle of the forest. A new version on the if-you-could-only-pack-3-things-island-question. You are allowed to make up your own dwarf names but be realistic, they can’t be all the variations found under “happy” in the thesaurus.
Disclaimer: If I have ever used these on you, I may not be avoiding a topic. I just noticed that they are good topics to use because I will genuinely talk about them- which simultaneously make them effective in the above endeavor.