8 NY-Resolutions a Twenty-Something Makes but Never Does

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So it’s been almost a month since NYE, how are those resolutions going?

1. “I’m going to drink less coffee.”

What actually happens: Migraines. Hangovers. Not sleeping in general because you’re too busy THINKING at 1 in the morning…or streaming a show that you can see the next day at a normal hour but refuse to wait another 24 hours because you have to know if she’s actually pregnant. It changes everything, DON’T DENY IT.

2. “I’m going to spend less time stalking people on Facebook.”

What actually happens: as soon as you open your browser, you type “f”  into the address bar without even thinking. “It’s just to see what’s going on, it’s not like I’m going to investigate anyth– who the heck is that?” *2 hours later* “Oh, it’s just her half-brother from the previous marriage that got annulled in Cambodia.” You didn’t even know the date of her birthday in the morning.

3. “I’m going to exercise more, maybe even start yoga.”

What actually happens: you go to sleep.

4. “I’m going to say ‘yes’ more, you know be spontaneous and shit.”

What actually happens: you say ‘yes’ to the wrong things, go broke, invest in stupid dead-ends, eat too much garlic bread, gain weight, do a crash diet before summertime, cry, stick your head out the window of a moving car, hit a tree with your face, and laugh at funerals because you keep remembering this scene and you don’t know why.

5. “I’m going to stop wearing sweatpants to work.”

What actually happens: you wake up on Thursday, the thought that it’s still not Friday dawns on you, and you don’t want to leave your bed because your covers are hugging you back like they’re a Nicolas Sparks character. Wear jeans and spend the next 30 minutes bothering to look like you didn’t crawl out from under a rock? Nah, bring on the Adidas swish-when-you-walk-I’m-going-skydiving-but-I’m-so-not pants.

6. “I’m going to move out of my parents’ house.”

What actually happens: paying rent happens. No thanks, I’m good.

7. “I’m going to travel at least twice this year.”

What actually happens: you might travel once and allow that family roadtrip you took to count as a second time because you were in this village that looked like you landed on Mars because the rock formations were weird as f**k and you know you weren’t tripping on substances with your parents even though your dad started talking Spanish to a UNIFIL dude and you were convinced he did the chihuahua VO for Taco Bell commercials.

8. “I’m going to save more and spend less.”

What actually happens: You eat a lot of French steak with that creamy green sauce and you’re like, “I’m young and I want to enjoy my hard-earned cash, damn it.” You spend the last two and a half weeks of the month making chicken broth soup and visiting your Teta for quality time…and djeij bil forn.

The only resolution you really need to implement: Be Happy. 

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The Inner Monologue of a Beiruti Pedestrian

 

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“…I have twenty minutes to go to the forn and get breakfast before I have class but I need 5 minutes to vacuum the manoushe I hope there’s no hair in it this time OMG remember when that old woman licked her thumb before kneading the dough no wonder that place closed but they were such a cute old couple I wonder if the guy died don’t think about death why is everyone looking at me funny I probably have something on my face it’s that damn zit wait a second maybe I look really good today I mean my hair was doing that flip thing that woman’s asking for donations again no I don’t have a spare second and I can’t remember the last thing Greenpeace actually did stop honking I don’t want a damn taxi isn’t it obvious I’m walking this is why there are so many accidents and traffic your car is so creepy you probably have a bottle of Jack under your seat yeah blasting that Childish Gambino you can’t mess with me I’m going to cross the street and give the little wave that translates into dont-kill-me-with-your-SUV-thank-you-kind-sir holy crap H&M has a sale but their stuff is such bad quality but it’s good for basics like tshirts and funky accessories that are made in a factory in Indonesia on the other side of the world where is the forn should I get cheese with khodra or maybe just zaatar I shouldn’t be eating so much 3ajeen but they say zaatar is good for the brain but so is reading and you haven’t done that in a while you spend so much money on books that you haven’t even opened but you’re building a library you’ll get to them when you have the time you should make time they take up space but that’s why you got a Kindle WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE there’s so many people in line why didn’t I just have cereal at home because you don’t wake up hungry are you even hungry now you should eat breakfast it’s better than bingeing later forget it you’re going to be late and then you won’t be able to leave early to get to your car before you get a ticket what is wrong with the municipalities there are barely any parking lots left and now we have to pay by the hour unless you find those streets without meters but you end up losing your side mirror because people can’t drive at a normal speed through tight roads and you have to squeeze through just to be sure you don’t hit anything it’s so nerve wracking trying to parallel park on these itty bitty roads with plastic-chair-spot-savers you’re looking for a spot and some pedestrian pops out and crosses the street waving like that makes up for the fact that I almost killed you just because you’re walking and I can make you a human pancake doesn’t mean you should just jump in front of my car use the nonexistent sidewalks yeah yeah smile like you’re grateful I let you live I hate pedestrians”

 

 

8 Pet Peeves Resulting from Your Facebook Newsfeed

I have been under self-inflicted hibernation for the past 2 weeks in order to complete a project but I’m back. Due to the fact that I was cut off from the world, this new post comes from the only outlet I had during hibernation: Facebook. If you are my friend on Facebook and you do these things…I apologize and you can feel free to do whatever you want – it’s your life – but now you know, you’re kind of annoying. Here’s the latest installment of 8 Pet Peeves:

1. Checking in to Your Home

You check-in to your “residence” after a night on the town. You’ve even named it something catchy like “Moe’s Crib.” You should know something: no one cares that you’ve made it home to your flat in Brussels or your house in Antelias. Unless your name is Harry and you’re checking in to Caesars’ Palace, no one cares that you’re having tea with your grandma. Checking in, regardless of the fact that it’s a stalker’s wet dream realized, should be reserved for places that are actually worth broadcasting; places that anyone would love to brag about. These places that wouldn’t make you seem like a pompous ass by announcing you’re there. Your house is not one of these places. Places that could qualify: the Playboy Mansion, Pride Rock, or the moon.

2. “<3 Likers”

Your latest uploaded photo has 42 likes and counting. You want to show gratitude to all the people who clicked “like”. Here’s the problem: people who like your photo or status update do not get notified when you comment unless you tag them – which you didn’t so this form of thanks is pointless. People “like” something because it’s the easiest way to show approval – the one that takes the least effort and results in the least amount of annoyance because you don’t get notified when an overattentive relative spews mushy love all over said photo. Stop writing this comment; everyone knows you have a bunch of likes. So Mom, just be grateful, like some crap they do in the future, and move on.

3. Mysterious, Enigmatic Statuses

“When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” You write a line from a dark poem, an emo song lyric, or just some thought that’s clawing at the insides of your eyelids. It’s vague and people are reading it like “wow, someone had a bad batch of mushrooms last night” or they’re going to ask you why you’re behaving like a Disney-popstar-in-transition. You’re not an angel in Purgatory pining over Meg Ryan and yes, it’s spelled “wow” not “waw.”

Try to hold back on things that are personal and/or private. Facebook is not a place where you should share something you’re grieving about in mysterious vague status updates that only result in people asking nosy questions on a topic that is sensitive and raw. You’re not fooling anyone with that line from a Backstreet Boys song. You will look back on this and think, “WHY did I do that?”. And there’s Timeline now, that stuff can come back. Refrain from the cryptic messages that beg for others to inquire what on earth you’re talking about. If you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t post about it.

4. Relationship Status Dance

You’re single. You’re in a relationship. You’re single. One hour has passed by the way. Relationships are hard enough these days – do you really have to let all your friends know that there’s trouble in paradise? Especially if you’re going to get over it in 3 days and go back to posting a full album about how you spent your Valentine’s Day together? Break-ups are shitfests. Don’t make it harder on the other person even if she/he took a knife to your heart, have some grace and just remove the status. And if you and your partner do the Rachel-Ross thing every few months, spare your friends the drama of your on-off dalliance. This update on profiles is another one of those “please ask me about what happened” moments – again, if you don’t want to be asked, then don’t post about it.

5. Writing Paragraph-Comments

You argue about legislation, morals, veganism, or anything under the sun. Look, it’s a comment, not your thesis. It’s Facebook, not the draft of the Constitution. You have opinions and we’re all proud of you for being a strong, smart, non-sheep that can formulate sentences and use logic & common sense that not all members of society have been blessed with. True, comment-debates can get entertaining for spectators but, ultimately, it’s Facebook and your intellectually stimulating discussion that is loaded with well-crafted words and valid points is going to be lost in the sea of 9gag links and YouTube videos of “that underground band that I discovered MONTHS ago.” Save your energy for real-life conversations where you won’t have a random guy interject with failed look-at-me-I’m-so-clever remarks written with spelling mistakes and poor use of language. You don’t even go here.

6. Overdoing it with the Self-Portraits

You upload photos of you, obviously self-taken with a timer or the front camera of your iPhone. That’s fine, maybe you were having an amazing hair day. But if you have a full album of photos that are just your face or you posing in different positions, you have either been removed from my newsfeed or unfriended. Nothing is wrong with uploading a flattering picture of yourself besides your profile picture – especially if it’s hilariously stupid. But if that’s all you do, every few days, and you’re not a Victoria’s Secret Angel (because even girls will check that out), your actions will be interpreted as such by the masses: “I’m posting all these photos of me so you can like/comment to tell me how pretty I am.”

7. Changing Profile Pic Every 6 Hours

Getting bored of your profile picture is normal. You want to shake things up, show off a new haircut, or you’re just plain bored. There’s got to be a number that corresponds to the number of years you’ve been on Facebook which can give you an acceptable amount of pictures in your Profile Pictures album. If you lead a simple life where you’re not galavanting with a world traveler who tries blood sausages for breakfast, you probably change your profile picture around twice a month – and that’s pushing it. Therefore, 2(12) x number of years on Facebook = maximum total number of profile pictures. It’s like the BMI of Social Media and it’s super generous because you got 24 freebies to start off with which should be enough for those awkward photos from your senior year in high school which shouldn’t even count anyway and those duplicates left over from when you didn’t know you could select a previously uploaded photo. Actually it’s too generous. If you have more than 80 photos and you’ve been on Facebook less than 5 years, you need to get a life.

8. “John has sent you a Diamond Dash request”

I don’t want to play with you. Ever. Get the point.

My Restraining Order to Enrique Iglesias

Dear Enrique,

First let me say that I am incredibly flattered by the level of your passion for me. I do think that feelings of this intensity are a beautiful thing when they are well-placed. Yours are so powerful…like I can run, I can die but I can’t escape your love. That would be endearing if it didn’t sound like you were actually willing to test the theory.

Second, honest to God, I wish that there was a part of me that felt the way you do because I have always wanted an all-consuming love affair with a man who isn’t afraid to wear a beanie. The problem though is that I want that longing to be reciprocal and you’ve begun to scare me with your fierce adoration.

I know you’re going to throw this back in my face and say that I’m in a rush to throw you away but it’s not like that. Don’t be offended that I’m taking legal action, we can be friends. From a distance. If you asked me to dance, I would dance. If you asked me to run, I would definitely run and never look back. I wouldn’t cry if I saw you crying though because you love to see me cry. I cry because the fact that you love to see me cry freaks me out so I cry some more and you just keep on loving and it’s this vicious cycle, you know? Don’t be sad either – think of it as just another Monday night.

Please don’t feel like I’m a mentiroso. I’ve told you all about this before and I know you’re tired of being sorry so this is the perfect arrangement for the both of us. You’re not in love habibi, it’s just a phase that you’re going through. I know you will survive.

Everything’s going to be alright,

Me